Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
