It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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