Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
