Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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