WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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