I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
