My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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