i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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