I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
