I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
