i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
the day after is always just damage control
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
