after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just blew my weed a kiss
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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