I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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