if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
