I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
