when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
