he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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