I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
