Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
should my penis look like a turkey
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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