I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
