Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They took my balls.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
