I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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