Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
