I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
