I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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