the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think my fart just growled at me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
