I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
