Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
