yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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