Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
