I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
