Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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