I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dignity is for republicans.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
