I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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