does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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