i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
