I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
