party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
