I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
