I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
