My liver just broke up with me...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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