I hope mine doesn't look like that
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
