and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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