I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
