he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
