im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
