I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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