she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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