Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
