Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
