it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
