between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
