I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
