She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
