I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
