hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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