Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
