Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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