Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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